Country Bumpkin

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It’s Easter, it’s a holiday and a lovely one at that – filled with sun, chocolate eggs and general springiness. Most head home, I have anyway for a different sort of spring clean; one away from the city.

The canal

Just how love is blind, so is hostility. My initial resentment towards moving away from Starbucks shoved a duvet over Staffordshire’s rolling and vivid landscape, its nature, the canals; and it certainly muffled out the sound of those blue tits my mother is always going on about.

Recently, I have embraced the slower pace of living so I thought I would share a few of my new movements with yew.

Bear in mind that the following are home and context dependent. I realise that for many people home has always been where the heart is but I am just consecrating these thoughts for those who need to search a little harder for their tranquillity.

Benefits of being at home:

  • Every day is brunch day. Coffee is never out and there are usually fresh barn eggs from the farm up the road.
  • Laundry is done at regular intervals
  • Meals are consistent, free and you are more likely to have pheasant rather than fish fingers.
  • There is a TV

Brilliant so far although I really am not trying to imply a couch potato sedentary lifestyle here as there is a slight pitfall otherwise known as rules.

Rules according to the OED :

I. Senses relating to regulations or principles.

1. a. Also with capital initial. The code of discipline or body of regulations observed by a religious order or congregation; the order or congregation itself.

Funnily enough these both potentially apply in my household as the man of the house is the Vicar of Hixon.

Basically you need to do the washing up and probably tidy your bedroom.

So for the first time I will suggest otherwise to Carrie Bradshaw when she says that moving back in with the fam, ‘it’s like having servants, which you don’t pay for’. You see generally speaking, parents slash people prefer to not act or be treated as ones slave.

Despite these social norms there are other perks…

Reading, can be done to the hum of the birds rather than to that of a bus.

Breathing is easier with full on access to fresh air and maybe the occasional breeze of manure if you’re lucky.

A bountiful array of winding and mindful walks where everyone says hello to you and most of the dogs are friendly.

Runs are even more exhilarating and potentially more beneficial than any indoor gym treadmill. What with the invariable gradients off the beaten track and fresh rather than conditioned air from the great outdoors will give your legs and lungs some lovin’.

Let’s not forget about country fashion which is fleece permitting and a bare face is the most beautiful. Accessory wise, the only ones I have carried are a sketch pad and pencils.

The scenery is pretty buff too. It’s not every day that you manage to fit a cow, a castle and a hot air balloon all onto one photo.

Appreciate! This and the fact that I took it whilst holding the best lolly in the world. Twister lollies entail an unbeatable and original deliciousness as well as a bucketful of childhood memories which I won’t go into – they scream Spring for me like Magnums scream Summer for others so one by the canal was picture perfect.

Enjoy your Easter break! Silent noise, ci vuole.

They call it Murder…Mystery

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Frills, sequins and cigarettes everywhere. Beautiful heels to complement beautifully cut dresses most of which being Topshop’s finest. All in celebration of a friend’s birthday with a Casino Royal Murder Mystery party.

The boys were men for the evening dressed in suits and and ehem, bling. There was also a moustache or two around, generally hovering around the dip adorned buffet which also featured an epic potato and tapenade mash.

The general attributes you need to play Murder Mystery are:

• a sense of fun – check

• ability to strike up a conversation – check

• willingness to pretend you are someone else for the evening – check I guess.

The other components are dressing the part and to having fun. Check mate.

The only one thing that I and most other people failed at was reading our character sheets. I knew my name which was definitely useful and eventually I realised the importance of my little brown envelope issued by the host. My friend designated parts devilishly accurately. My character was Countess Alice de Ville- a wealthy seductress and a lady of leisure. If anything, not reading my character sheet as I was napping all day was preparation in itself.

I (Alice) have expensive taste, get bored easily so freelance for Mr X so as I can play around with cash in casinos. He employed me to entertain Mr Bond (I have no idea who Mr Bond was) which I owe to him as he helped me speed my husband’s brain tumour along and prevent a messy divorce (urgh I knew I shouldn’t have signed the pre-nupt). Here is what I found in my little brown envelope…

Alice de Ville’s Abilities:

A touch of Class

You have that certain ‘Je ne sais quoi’! Spend five minutes alone with a member of the opposite sex. They must show you their secret card.

Thorough Appraisal

After talking for two minutes with any person, they must show you all their item cards and money.

Gossip

You have the ability to put people at ease and gossip with you. Present this card to someone and they must tell you everything they know about a person of your choice.

Then there was a toast, the game began and I was immediately auctioned off for £1000. Although fully aware that this was merely part of the game, I felt flattered. A Mr. Alex Kirk won me, so far so good. Then as expected, his aim was to help Lord Burke get into my pants. I was having none of that as I fancied Alex and was far better looking than his girlfriend but oh goodness my lashes were getting tired and once I saw his secret card which was just plain boring I got distracted by the buffet and an Audrey cigarette filter.

Then… the murder. A scream, and the hostess found the unfortunate stuffed puppet, sabotaged and left breathless in the corridor.

Poor man

Reporter Sandy Stone was on the case, firing out the news as her blonde wig bobbled on her pretty head.

The night went on. I floated around in canary yellow chiffon, drinking Cava and gossiping whilst casually looking for Mr X. Meanwhile I met a Joe Knowall who wolfed on that I search for secrets circling the subject of nuclear device acquisition. Then another murder and another ignored announcement. I found Mr X, by simply asking the host at a volatile moment and then at the last auction I exerted Alice’s character and flung my paper £1,200 around to be the highest bidder on a book written by Mr X. For the past hour as in the entirety of the game I had been referring to him as Joe.

Confusing to say the least, and I can’t evening recall who the murderer was. Trying to get 30 bubbling students to corporate sensibly and play an intricately planned game on a Friday night was just about as difficult as taming a pack of gruffalo. Which I can imagine is also just as fun and thrilling as our evening turned out to be.

It’s my Party

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I am aware of the rather extortionate blog breather I have taken, but between deadlines and birthdays what do you expect?

I am two weeks into being 22 and into caj celebratory drinks at my apartment. Slight exaggeration, the night was lovely and it also ended in la madrugada. Gifts of sparklers and cakes from the greatest friends and I ate them all; wheat and all bar the last slice of gingerbread as my body was reacting quite badly. Reacting was obviously down to the cake and not the cocktails so I gave the last slice to a homeless person outside the Student Union. He wasn’t that appreciative but anyhow I hope it equived a meal and that the sugar content didn’t proliferate his already sweet and gappy smile.

It was an occasion to finally pop a vintage Moet et Chandon (pre-guests) with two jolie friends in my bedroom, which resembled a smoky make-up box by this point.

Gin and laughter; my low-key expectations were surpassed by seeing the faces I love, all squeezed into the penthouse which overlooks the Total garage. I pranced about in a bone white pleated skirt with reptile heels and a disco blue tube dress whilst the birthday song was on repeat as well as Nicolas Jar, Azari and iii and Kylie –  it was all very overwhelming and the remainder of the evening was somewhat hazy but it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.

Niente Caga

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The week couldn’t have gone further away from Lent. More was taken on, everything from wine and pancakes to house parties with distant half Aunts.

I contrarily celebrated shrove Tuesday in the early hours of Ash Wednesday as my gluten-free pancakes were flipped for me by a bearer of wine, m&ms and a movie.

What a great start to ease into an eventful Wednesday evening which started early in the Northern Quarter for Caggie Dunlop’s supporting gig.

Cags and Andrew

We went as it is a friends’ friend who accompanies the Made in Chelsea hottie on guitar and with airy vocals. She made a soothing intro with ‘We found love’ by Rihanna put into adagio tempo (I hope I’ve got that right) then followed with some self-composed numbers. We were surrounded by loved-up teenagers all roaring out about Spencer every time Caggy mentioned her songs were about falling in love – it was brilliant, especially as it was hosted in none other than one of the dingiest bars in Manchester which served gin and champagne – thank God for that.

We then felt that the AU social at TigerTiger was a VIP choice night to rampage through until the vodka Red Bull ran dry and the lights turned on.

Distractions really are timely. I was then soon enough introduced to a distant family member who I can call my half and younger Aunt – you do the bio.

A sweetie from Joplin in the USA y’all – who must be one of very few to find Manchester Picadilly Train station ‘pretty’. I dragged her to Manchester for a ball of a weekend, with a smile on her face as she had no need for a fake ID… just fake tan. I took her to all the Friday night hotspots like Vodka Revolution and McDonalds – just so she could get a real feel for the place.

The morning afternoon after, we more eloquently swanned around St Albert square and Starbucks to then end her stay dancing to Benga and Coki in a grotty cellar until dawn. She missed her train but she had fun. Heavy to say the least but thankfully I have a taste for Robitussin Chesty Cough Medicine.

V day

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Are you a lover? Or an idiosyncratic hater like me? You only have to read my timely fashion column to get my vibe.

I’m not really a hater, I kinda love it. Although My Valentines history I feel measure poorly on the Vichter scale.

My most memorable being at 16 when I hosted a pink themed party for my gal pals. We watched Moulin Rouge and ate pink frosted cupcakes; all just wanting to be Nicole Kidman in Ewan’s arms. I wore an awful outfit too, something like an outdated Levi’s top – pinktoovom.

From then on I have sporadic memories of Teddy’s and awkward messages to and from old flames.

This year: a message from my dad, a rose from a friend and a heart shaped chocolate sprinkling on my soy cap from the Costa guy – 3 days late but I can get over that and it definitely counts BABE.

Valentines evening we spent the night at Mint lounge in the Manchester Northern Quarter for an ‘Itchy Feet Valentines special’.

The night was questionable owing to either the unnecessary amount of PDA which I had been naïve too up until this point; or maybe just because of Mr B The Gentleman Rhyme.

I am going to get him publicity here however each to their own taste and everybody else was loving him so he must have some charm. Especially as we stayed till 2 – I was just happy dancing with myself my gin and tonic to The Supremes.

Yoga on the rocks

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There was a time when I had a gym membership and there was a time when I found myself hiking 7 hours a day and then running around the Dolomite Mountains in the evening. Those days are gone.

Now I roll onto the bus and into the library to get through my day of studying where by I survive on sandwiches and Rolos.

Pirouetting at ballet on a Tuesday is the highlight of my week and my fitness regime. As a belated New Year’s resolution, my friend suggested we try Yoga.

The first time didn’t quite work out as she fell asleep so we missed the class. However this week, three of us were veritably raring to go!

A great start as we were 5 minutes late and were therefore the victims of some shadey glares. The mats had run out but we persisted and insisted on sharing, positioning ourselves at the back of the Methodist Church Hall.

10 seconds in and I was bitting my tongue, it was like Warhorse all over again – my  Fleur and I holding back the hysterics throughout the nauseating film whilst everyone else balled their eyes out.

Then there was heavy breathing and body hauling; a panic attack from Libby to my left and then we left.

We thought she was following us but it turned out we left a straggler – she suggested the class so it serves you right darling. One man down but at least we got out for some ‘fresh air’ and gin and tonics from Solomon Grundys.

The latest we heard from her was that things got rather intense. Chanting, 20 minutes of the same position, all a bit like a bizarre game of musical statues.

To sum it up: men were crying. (I hope it was the one who hogged two of the mats.)

Lesson learnt: Stick to what you know and to what you do best. Cheers.

Ommme

Clip clop

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I lied, I managed to pull some trends through with Pangea as I moved swiftly from wanting to dress as a cow onto a unicorn – a real life my little pony.

Neigh

Pastel hues, huge lashes, a tail and a unicorn horn – clip clop.

I fabricated my masterpiece of a horn by woo-ing a free piece of card from a fancy dress shop, trimming it, curling it tightly to a horn shape with a prominent point and securing with a neighbour’s cello-tape. Thankfully my neighbour also had a pritstick and paper – I however had ample amounts of glitter.

We covered the ‘mould’ in paper, folding any excess inside to create a neat border. Secured and then covered in pritstick and rolled in glitter then spritzed with hairspray and voila.

I took some elastic and hole punched two symmetrical holes in the sides and tied through to make a comfy and secure unicorn horn – I never thought I would say that.

I can safely say that the horn and my tail made my outfit; pinned to the hem of some mint Topshop leggings, slipped into Bertie boots and clip clop ready to go.

A couple of issues involving false lashes occurred and then out of panic I slapped white face powder over a Diorshow face base. I tried to salvage my face with some NARS cream blusher in ‘cactus flower’ and then vaseline glued glitter where you would usually put your Benefit high beam.

The mare with the lashes lead me to simultaneously disapprove and admire Essex girls and any other girls who choose to wear false lashes on a daily basis. I frowned at the concept of mastering contact lenses let alone unnecessary lashes. Slash I am definitely enjoying toddling around in my new prescription Tom Ford’s – approved by many including the guy who served me a great coffee at Picadilly Pret-A-Manger.

Anyhow, back to Pangea. We were a veritable clan, a circus – of clowns with one unicorn and one gothic panda. Brilliant.

The glitter remains, all over my face; my horn has been misplaced. Rather upsettingly it got pinched – not on the night but the next day @Fuel in Withington where I lunched with a future rockstar.

Bud

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Haps!

I have a weekly column, a fashion one – pretty much Carrie Bradshaw. Straight into research for my mens fashion piece and therefore spending most of my day on Harrods.com between choosing monster accessories (yes – I mean ghouls) for a goody bag I am putting together at work.

I love the men’s fashion features and looking on the other gender side of the catwalk at Paris fashion week. Tips on getting men to listen? Especially on how to dress Dapper for Spring on a student budget?

Procrastination led me to selfish distraction by the oracle of women’s fashion…

Fantasizing over Zoe Karsen jumpers, Wil Fox, YSL’s new cream blush.

How wedges are in and how wearing tights with peep toes is hot now just like I thought it was back in March.

Layering through sheer like Adam Andrascik‘s amazing ripped skirts from his Spring/Summer 2012 collection.

I am not so sure these looks will suit my weekend – as I am fully aware that I am more likely to have worn a cow suit onesie (as in the farm animal) by the time the week is out rather than the latest Great Gatsby trend. It’s Pangea in Manchester, it is Circus themed, cow sprung to mind and I am sticking with it. Elegant as I am I just can’t see another opportunity in the foreseeable future to dress like a cow; especially a cow in wedges.

I think Men appreciate onsies – comfortable and they fall right into the Après Ski theme I am going for. It’s cold in Britain, so it’s allowed plus it means I can warm their January spirits with some Budweiser love.

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